"For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."
(Rainer Maria Rilke)
I've been witness to both, as I watched my parents bitterness towards each other grow into eventual divorce and on the other end of the scale seeing love that is gentle and kind, patient and inspiring until the very end (my grandparents).
Recently I sat down with Jo Pillay on Sonshine FM radio and we chatted about how to grow a strong and resilient marriage, and avoid the pitfalls to living in a miserable one. If you'd like to listen to the audio (which is a little more brief however includes most of our discussion, simply follow the link below.)
Listen on Spotify Here
What’s one of the most significant factors in maintaining a strong marriage?
One of the most significant factors in maintaining a healthy relationship is effective communication. This goes beyond just talking about your day and involves being open and honest about how you feel, what you need and raising concerns. This needs to be reciprocated with an openness to listen and seeking to understand each other’s perspectives.
(It’s really important to listen fully, not to interrupt, dismiss their views or jumping in to try to solve the problem.)
Having regular check-ins are really helpful too, it opens up the space to chat about future plans together, and clarify minor issues or misunderstandings before they become conflict.
As a counsellor and for the sake of the listeners, I have to express the need for dealing with baggage.
If you haven’t been able to move past significant past hurt, or trauma this will in someway impact your marriage and children, not to mention your other relationships. So if parts of you still need to find healing - you mustn’t ignore those needs.
Here’s how to identify some of the red flags - there are times when you completely shut down communication / withdraw silently - or blow up (yell / swear / abuse).
These defences indicate that there is significant emotional pressure on you to protect yourself from feeling something you can’t bear to feel.
How can couples continue to build on their connection and keep it strong over time?
Keeping a relationship strong over time requires intentional effort and prioritising each other. It’s important to reconnect regularly - because life gets really busy and your connection fades when you only give the dregs at the end of the day to each other. So set aside special “us time”, and that’s time spent reconnecting, whether it’s going for a walk together, watching a sunset, going on a fun outing or a date night…
It’s also really helpful to know each other’s love languages too - because we all give love in different measures and ways. These include acts of service, verbal affirmation, physical affection, thoughtful gifts or quality time together…
You need to know what that special something is that really says “i love you” to your husband or wife.
I have found in counselling couples that at times when a one partner think the other doesn’t love them this can be due to a simple misunderstanding of love languages because they are showing love in ways that are not recognised. So it can be a make or break in a relationship because you’re speaking different code.
Expressing appreciation either verbally or through small, thoughtful gestures, such as leaving a note or surprising your partner with a favourite treat. It’s a very fruitful exercise to pause every now and then and say to your partner “can I tell you something - I really appreciate you!”
Having shared values are important in choosing a partner, but how does this impact building a strong marriage?
Shared values are fundamental for a strong marriage as they provide a common foundation for
decision-making and long-term goals.
When you have similar values, such as beliefs about family, finances, or work-life balance, it helps align your expectations and reduces potential conflicts.
It is equally as important understand different values between men and women, because if we dismiss them as unimportant, it can be detrimental to a marriage and erode it over time.
For men - it’s important to feel respected - which demonstrates they’re valued.
For women - it’s important to feel heard - this demonstrates they’re loved.
When the opposite feelings are invoked in men and women - for men - being disrespected, for women being unheard / dismissed - it significantly impacts their connection and both are left feeling very de-valued.
Wherever you find a wife repeatedly criticizing her husband - you will find a husband who finds it near impossible to love his wife. A wife who feels the need to criticise her husband needs to adopt a far more effective approach to influence change - and that is encouragement.
You can't encourage someone to change through beating them up emotionally. You must validate the things you appreciate, then watch them grow.
Here's a great tip for the men: For women it’s very important to feel heard. For us this is almost indistinguishable from feeling loved. So when your woman is talking to you, and if she has a predicament that she’s wanting to share - remember before you automatically go into “solution mode”, listen to her fully… Sometimes this is actually the only solution she needs.
How can couples handle disagreements without hurting the relationship?
1. This requires a perception shift where instead of looking at the person as the problem, you look at the problem as the problem. From this perspective you distinguish and separate the two. This enables you to look at the problem side by side and approach it together instead of in combat against each other.
If this isn’t something you can solve together then encourage them in the right direction - or to a counsellor who someone who can help.
2. There’s a time and place for disagreement, and it’s not in the heat of the moment. If either person is running high on emotion - you need to take time-out to calm down and then revisit the conversation with a level head.
The higher the emotion, the less rationalisation your brain has access to - so the best thing you can do is first calm down.
3. Not using accusatory language is really important, because this only de-rails conflict. This means not using statement’s like “you always” this or that or “you never”. (For a start it’s usually not true it’s just your feelings exaggerating the issue, and there is often an exception).
4. Bringing up past issues is a no-go, focus on the topic at hand. If there are unresolved past matters these need to be dealt with separately, not used as additional arsenal.
5. If someone feels triggered by conflict, it’s not the other person’s responsibility to walk on egg-shells around them, they actually need to seek the healing required to have healthy disagreement. We can’t avoid conflict in life, we need to learn how to go through it healthily - there’s no other way.
What role does forgiveness play in a healthy marriage?
Recognising that “We both make mistakes, neither of us are perfect and you know what - we all need forgiveness” is an essential part of maturity as a person. (And I believe spiritual maturity too!).
Forgiveness is essential, because without it we harbour resentment and that is terribly toxic to a marriage. We must find the way to let go of past hurt, the pride that gets in the way, the fear… because these eat away at your relationship.
No matter what pride whispers, you don’t actually have the moral high-ground to look at another person and think “I’m better than them” - or “I’d never do that” because actually if you were in their shoes - you would. You don’t get to judge other people by their colossal mistakes - not one of us can say “I have never done wrong”.
Finding forgiveness is not easy, I know just how deep a struggle that can be, but it is an essential journey for the person finding it hard to forgive - to unblock forgiveness.
Forgiving comes freely when you find the insight that you deeply needed - in order to let go.
The path of finding forgiveness is one of personal growth and humility, and is an incredibly strengthening factor for the emotional bond in relationships.
"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
(Ruth Bell Graham)
How can we nurture and grow the trust in a marriage?
Building and maintaining trust is done through your actions and attitudes toward each other because it’s the foundation of a relationship.
1. Commit to being honest: Be transparent with each other, share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns.
(Obviously the opposite communication isn’t at all helpful and this includes shutting down, withdrawing, hiding behaviour or being dishonest, these erode trust over time.)
2. Be reliable in your actions and words, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Trust is actually built on consistency of behaviour and it grows when you can depend on your partner to be predictable and to follow through on their commitments.
3. Have vulnerable conversations. This is like using a fire-starter to light a fire, instant flame! It creates a deeper bond of trust and intimacy. There’s something very powerful about being vulnerable with each other that builds connection
4. Forgiveness also fosters trust, so that’s really helpful too (I'll not dwell on this as we’ve just discussed it)
5. Respect personal boundaries: If the answer is “no” don’t push it, respect that your partner has the right to make decisions for themselves - and not be under the control of anyone.
From a counsellor’s perspective, what are some of the danger zones that we should be aware of?
In a marriage you need more than love. You actually need commitment just as much as love, because love as a feeling - ebbs and flows and is not consistent.
The idea that “love is all you need” isn’t true of marriage. It is TRUE of divine unconditional pure and perfect love - YES absolutely, that is all any single person in world needs. But only the love of God is that pure, entirely fulfilling and freely given - we as humans put conditions and limits on our love. So in a marriage you need more than love.
This is SO important because couples divorce because “the feeling” is gone - and it’s like “well did you nurture the love or did you let it fade?” Yeah and there’s your answer.
Feelings come and go, love is strong at times and other times it only feels like a wavering trickle of caring for them. But that does not mean it’s over.
Marriage needs commitment - to continually to growing together, being patient with each other, forgiving each other through those ‘wavering’ times. Because commitment is the raft that carries you from the wavering trickle back to the wide river of love.
There’s actually so many danger zones we could talk about this for an hour on this question alone. However here are a few of the really destructive ones...
Resentment - it’s like cancer, it has a nasty ability to grow over time, ban it from your home.
Shaming each other - holding past mistakes/failures/blame over the other person - very destructive.
Unresolved conflict - leaves a rift in trust, which impacts connection, vulnerability - and as a result romance. Because if you can’t trust someone, you’re not going to be vulnerable with them - and you’ll be sexually closed off, (and that’s just a natural response!).
"Marriage is a covenant — keeping faith with one another in the face of all odds."
(Elisabeth Elliot)
What kind of goals should we set as a couple?
I used to avoid goal-setting like nothing else. In all honesty it used to think it was a fixed process, you either succeed or fail. So it really pushed on my ‘fear of failure’ buttons! But when I was forced to goal set when starting my own business, I found a way I could love it. And to this day I think it’s absolutely essential in life, because without an aim you have no purpose.
The key to goal setting is to set deeply meaningful goals - when you do this you organise your future, and push away what actually robs you of a full life.
Setting goals as a couple is empowering and important because it provides direction and a sense of shared purpose - together you align what really matters in life with your relationship, faith and growth.
Here’s some area’s I’d recommend:
1. Building a deeper connection with each other.
2. Spiritual Growth - building a deeper relationship with God.
3. Growing Strong and supportive relationships - with friends, family and community.
4. Personal development - what kind of person do you want to become?
5. Serving Others - How will you support and serve others?
6. Financial Stewardship - how will you manage your money, give to charity and those in need?
Setting goals helps ensure that your relationship is built on a solid foundation of faith, mutual respect, and shared values. It’s important to periodically review and adjust your goals as needed to continue growing together.
What are the key characteristics of a relationship that strengthens over time?
A relationship that strengthens over time is marked by several key characteristics:
Growing Together: I’ve personally found it so helpful to see my own relationship as a journey of growth together. And because you can expect a steady or torrential stream of challenges - it has always been a comfort to me to look at these as God’s gift to help us grow. So expect challenges to come and face them together - and grow together.
Kindness: Regular acts of kindness, whether big or small - showing appreciation, offering help, and being considerate of each other's needs.
Forgiveness: being able to move past conflicts is crucial. ”Love keeps no record of wrongs”
Patience: Navigating challenges and differences with grace. Giving each other the space to grow and understanding that relationships grow and change over time.
Respect: This is non-negotiable, always treat your partner as someone deserving of respect, no matter what you’re going through.
Consideration: Actively thinking about and being empathetic towards each other’s feelings and perspectives. Also being considerate when making decisions, taking the your partner into account.
Praying for each other and Praying together because God has more than enough grace for the both of you!
By incorporating these characteristics, couples can build a strong, resilient relationship that not only endures but flourishes as time goes on.
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
(Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
If you're struggling in your marriage, don't suffer alone when support is available. Book in with me for Relationship counselling and let's re-connect and grow your marriage together.
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